The Weeping Willow
by Twillyshoo
Summary: My friend used to be obsessed with Harry Potter and I used to tease her and make up stories like this. Turned out that she loved the stories, even though they were parody's of her favorite thing in the world: the Harry Potter books.


The Weeping Willow

Lots of weeping in this one, especially from Ron the virgin.

One foggy evening at Hogwarts, Hermione, Ron and Harry were sitting on Harry's bed, discussing the party the night before.

"Well, if you ask me, Harry, I don't think that slut liked you at all, she just wanted in your pants." Hermione rolled her eyes. How could Harry think some girl who kept calling him the wrong name really liked him?

"Exactly why I didn't ask." Harry snapped at Hermione.

"Do tell me again what she looked like." Ron said, now sitting in a dark corner on the other end of the room.  
"Why? So you can jack-off some more?" Hermione said to Ron, trying not to laugh.  
"Maybe. But really, Harry, do tell." Hermione noticed the light catch Ron's eyes as they widened. A twinkle in them let her know he really was going to jack-off to a simple description of a whore. He was clearly desperate.

"She had short, auburn hair that was shorter in the back and longer in the front. The back of it was spiked with gel that smelled like flowers. She had beautiful brown eyes with flecks of green in them. She has to be at least 5'9", all legs. She was unbelievably gorgeous." Harry was staring at nothing, his head rested on his arm, imagining the girl. "She called me Henry, Harold, even Herman, but never Harry. It was ok though. She said her name was Angella. I never once forgot. Oh, she was fine…" Harry stopped to look over at the corner Ron was sitting in. he didn't mean to look, he just heard noises and instinctively turned his head towards the direction they were coming from. "Oh, Ron! What the fuck, man!?" Ron looked up. You could see him clearly now because the moon had shifted and was gleaming right on him. There he was, with a grin on his face that was so large, his eyes were squinting. His left hand was down his pants and the right was on his leg.  
"No worries," Ron began, "I'll clean it up."

"Repulsive!" Hermione screamed. She stood up and walked towards the door, stopping briefly without turning around and said, "I'm going to the Weeping Willow. You may join me once Harry's finished drooling and Ron's finished masturbating over Harry's new prostitute." She walked out the door, closing it behind her.

Harry stood up without looking at Ron and said, "I'm going with her." He wiped at his mouth. "I'm pretty sure I got all the drool off." He added sarcastically.  
"Wait! I wanna come too!" Ron stood up as Harry walked out the door. He tripped over his pants as they fell to the floor. "Shit." Ron mumbled. He pulled his pants up after he got up, cleaned his area and his hands, then headed out the door.

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**…**

"Oh, god! Mmmm…"

"Do you like that?"  
"Mmhm…Oh!"

Ron was standing outside the Weeping Willow, afraid to open the door. A hand grabbed his shoulder. He jumped, frighted.  
"Hey, Ron." Came Hermiones' voice from behind. "It's just me, no worries."

Ron sighed, "What the bloody hell is going on in there?"  
"Harry's whore ringed him and came over. Apparently she goes here to this school. She's in Hufflepuff."

"Are they…?" Ron hesitated to ask, not even finishing the question.  
"Yes. They started going at it right in front of me. I obviously got the hell out of there."  
"Man, Harry's so lucky; I wish I had a hot girl who wanted my bod like that." Hermione then ran her fingers through Ron's hair and pressed her lips hard against his. As she pulled back, he stood there, gaping. "You know, Ron, Harry's girl may be full-out sexy, but I'm probably better in bed, so let's go inside, shall we?"  
Ron nodded, still gaping, his heart racing.  
"We'll stay downstairs since they're upstairs." She undressed rapidly. "Take off your damn clothes, Ron. And make sure you're louder than they are. It um…turns me on! Yeah, it turns me on."  
Ron started fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. He was too shaky to undo them. "Here." Hermione said, unfastening his button for him. Then she ripped off his pants and underwear and them him on the couch. "Say my name!" she yelled, charging towards him. She pounced on him and started kissing him all over. "Say my fucking name!" she demanded.  
"Her…Herm…Hermione." Ron managed to get out.  
"Louder! Scream it! Let Harry know we're down here having sex!"  
"Hermione!" Ron screamed. "Oh, Hermione, do it harder!" he screamed.

"Good, good." She said, kissing him harder. She moaned and yelled so Harry could hear. Ron did the same as well, still not realizing she was only doing this to make Harry jealous.

As Harry ran down the stairs, covering himself with a pillow, Angella racing behind him with a blanket wrapped around her, Harry yelled, "Get the fuck off her you bastard!"  
"Harry…" Hermione breathed, looking up at him. Without bothering to cover herself, she ran towards him so fast she almost tripped up the stairs. She threw herself at him and kissed him. Harry picked her up and ran up the stairs, past Angella.

Angella started sobbing until she noticed Ron was crying on the couch into a pillow.  
"Are you attracted to me?" Angella asked Ron.  
He nodded.  
"Are you a virgin?"  
He nodded again.  
"Hmmm…" she hesitated for a moment then shrugged. She walked down the stairs to him and kissed him, then a phone started to ring. She stopped and ran over to her bad that she slung by the door. "Hello?" She said into the phone. "Oh, hey!...yeah, I'm bored as hell, you wanna meet me in my room in a few?...ok, I'll be there. Bye." She hung up. she ran upstairs to grab her clothes. Ron heard Hermione scream at her to get out and saw a lamp fly down the stairs that Hermione threw at Angella. "Geesh, I just want my clothes." Angella hissed. "I'm not even looking. Well, bye Hermione, bye Harley. I mean Harry." She ran down the stairs and out the door, not even looking back at Ron. He began to cry again.  
Upstairs, Harry yelled, "Yes! She remembered my name!" Hermione slapped him. "I mean, That dumb skank, how dare she let my name come out of that filthy mouth." Hermione smiled. They began kissing again, long and hard.  
Downstairs, Ron was getting dressed, still crying.  
As he walked back to the school, he heard a girl giggling. He sniffed and kept walking.  
"Why so sad?" the voice asked. He kept walking, ignoring her. "Come on, I'll cheer you up." He felt breath of the back of his neck.  
He stopped, turned around and said, "Look, I – " he froze.

"You what?" asked the tall, lanky man with the girl-voice, standing in front of Ron. The man had knee-high, pink and green spotted boots, a pink, glittery tube-top, long, green fingernails and a black clutch in his left hand. He smiled, flashing yellow teeth with what looked like mold growing between them. His shiny, pink lips made his teeth look extremely dull. His hair was long and curly and dyed yellow, pulled up into a beehive sitting on his head. The yellow in his hair was faded so it matched his teeth. He had green and pink eye-shadow on and glitter splotched all over his face. He smelled of cat piss and looked like a groupie for a bunch of curcus freaks.  
"Is something wrong, sugar? Why aren't you talking to me? Or is everything just right now and you're taking in my sexiness?" He giggled and grabbed Rons' crotch. "Do you like that?" The man moaned. "By the way, the name's Olga and you'll be screaming it later."  
Ron back away and grabbed Olga's wrist, pulling his hand away. "Let go." Ron demanded. "You stay away from me you messed-up fucker or I'll tell Hermione and she'll kick your ass as soon as she's done with Harry."  
"Harry?" asked Olga. "That's hot. Does his name fit his description?" Olga grinned.

"What the…?" Ron began. He turned away and ran. He ran towards the school, away from Olga, away from the Weeping Willow. He ran as fast as he could and he didn't stop.


End file.
